What the hell is wrong with me? || 2003-11-30 at 1:41 a.m.
I had this dream last night... And it's been haunting me ever since.In this dream, I was pregnant by some unknown father, and not unknown as in I was sleeping around, as in unknown because I hadn't slept with anyone to my knowledge. But that didn't really matter. What mattered was that I was pregnant, and every time I touched my full belly, I felt so much happier than I ever had in my life.
Here's the haunting part - it seemed so real. I have honestly never been happier than in that little dream moment, and all I want to do is rediscover that feeling.
But I don't want a kid.
Not now, at least.
Not until I'm settled enough to where I can give my child the life my parents couldn't give me. I've always known I wanted to be a mother, but only when I was set in life.
So why was it haunting me all day?
What really got me was when I saw Bev in the window of Linens -N- Things. Jesus Christ, I seriously felt this flash of jealousy. She has a piece of crap boyfriend, a horrible job (I think maybe two), and she's struggling to make ends meet. Here I am, making my own way through college, working a job that's ten times better than hers, even though I'm about five years younger - and yet, I felt this undeniable jealous welling up inside of me.
"Because she's with child?" Dave asked.
Yeah. That's exactly why.
But why is it like that?
I don't want a kid yet!
I don't understand these feelings at all.